i had a huge turning point in the last week or so.
my boundaries are set, both socially and academically.
i'm done fucking around. itz absolutely ridiculous that i keep having to be reminded that i'm an international student. itz the one barrier i have in this society, yet i'm stuck in the mindset of wanting to settle down here - at least while i'm in school - like a quagmire. i'd hate to admit it, but i'd be a lot more focused, especially for school, if i kept telling myself that i'm merely here for school. get my shit together, focus, and get it done. i don't plan on being in school fuckin forever anywayz.
going to the IAFS graduation ceremony was weird. it was nice, but seeing all these ppl i know graduate hit a weak spot.
i've grown so much as a person... closer to who i want to become as i always say, i hate giving him too much credit, but i couldn't have, and wouldn't have done it without him...
through all the pain, all the tears, all the frustration and yelling... along with all the laughs, giggles, hugs, kisses and love... we're reaching that point. not quite there yet, but hez actually a step ahead this time, waiting for me to catch up. he made the great initiative and set his boundaries and finally walked his talk. it wasn't until yesterday that i took my actions. but hey, better late than never. and itz not even late yet. i just took my sweet ass time. a small initiative... but itz gotten me to a completely different level in life.
summer break... break? summer classes all through the summer. i'm actually excited for all my summer classes. all challenging, but necessary. staying in this lil town that i know like the back of my hand yet never took advantage of all that goes on over the summer. so many goals and expectations for myself. but i've learned to reward myself; while pushing myself, still know when to stop to take a break when needed - actually listening to my body. i think the bottom line phase i'm going through is that i'm putting into action all the lessons i've learned sounds pathetic, but itz really not as pathetic as it sounds if u think 'bout it. how many ppl live their lives today against the changes they told themselves they'd make while falling asleep last night? and how many of these ppl repeat that everyday? pathetic? yes. human? absolutely.
the d-day is coming up.... itz been 4 years... feels like itz been freakin 40 years... my life has changed so so so much in the last 4 years... itz sumthin that i still can't grasp... i miss her so much... there have been so many incidents when i wouldn't have put myself in so much trouble had she been here but then again, if she was still around, would i even be where i am right now?
i miss her so much.
it throws me off how fucked up i am. i think 'bout her every day. i sometimes wish i could live a day without thinking 'bout her... and every time i think about her, i want to live every second of my life without regret or doubt yet every moment of my life is a disaster and unfocused. i almost feel guilty that in reality i live my life as if the accident hasn't had itz impact on me but maybe this is the impact... just being so fuckin lost... constantly breaking down...
but i've come to recognize and realize that i have to take care of myself. i'm the one still living this life, i'm the one that still has goals that i need to achieve, a destination in life to reach i've obviously not fulfilled my duties to leave... itz part of my turning point where i can't make it an excuse any more. i can only make it an excuse to become a stronger person. God only gives u as much as u can handle...
[1] closed off from love i didn't need the pain once or twice was enough and it was all in vain time starts to pass before u know it u're frozen
but something happened for the very first time with u my heart melted to the ground found something true and everyone's looking 'round thinking i'm going crazy
[2] trying hard not to hear but they talk so loud their piercing sounds fill my ears try to fill me with doubt yet I know that their goal is to keep me from falling
but nothing's greater than the rush that comes with your embrace and in this world of loneliness i see your face yet everyone around me thinks that i'm going crazy maybe, maybe
[chorus] but i don't care what they say i'm in love with you they try to pull me away but they don't know the truth my heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing
u cut me open and i keep bleeding keep, keep bleeding love i keep bleeding i keep, keep bleeding love keep bleeding keep, keep bleeding love u cut me open
cuz nobody wants to be the last one there cuz everyone wants to feel like someone cares someone to love with my life in their hands therez gotta be somebody for me like that
itz a weird feeling u know. it almost seems like the time we spent together has already dissolved away as a long gone memory i don't have ur side of the story, but it seems like u're right back where u were before we met and things in my life are right back where things were before we met. except i'm always on defense, i can never trust again, i've become over protective of my heart i've built an ice wall around my heart... preserving my heart until someone comes along and melts that ice wall away.
it feels like one of those short term trips/camps u go on. u meet all these new ppl, new networks, then u come home right back to ur life and it goes on unchanged... except that the experience and lessons u learn from that trip impacts and changes ur life forever. our time together was definitely longer, and u've put me through so much and helped/made me mature this much but we've both dissolved away from each other's lives.
we've passed the week mark... and being off facebook has helped... no phone calls, no text messaging, no facebook stalking, i've heard nothing 'bout u, i hope u haven't heard 'bout me, and i've thought 'bout u less and less
i will admit, there still are moments i remenisce... i'd rather fall asleep and wake up in ur arms; i'd rather wake up to making scrambled eggs with u, and drinking the smoothie u make me; i'd rather listen to good music and laugh at u dancing to the lyrics; i'd rather feel the chemistry we have in bed; i'd rather have u around to laugh with for my silly mistakes and clumsiness;
but the past is the past. as much as i'd give anything to feel again how u made me feel it won't be with u again... not ever again in the near future... it hurts thinking so and it won't be easy when we see each other again but thatz how i want it and i'm gonna be the strong one about it.
i can't and won't let myself forget: without u, i live it up a little more everyday without u, i'm seeing myself so differently i didn't want to believe it then when i watched u walk away well i never thought i'd say i'm fine without u (hinder - without you)
i guess i stuck around so i could watch us fight for all the wrong reasons (nickelback - fight for all the wrong reasons)
i'd hate to put it this way, but in the end... u did pull a spencer. i may have been rebound, but i was also a chance to pull urselves out of an unhealthy relationship i accepted with both of u that we'd never be in a long-term relationship i offered myself to be used and even then... u both went straight back to wat makes u said u'd never want to go back to i know the power of ex's... but i guess i over-estimated ur will power
hate to sound so cocky but itz confidence. itz ur loss. cuz wat u don't foresee is how cold i get when i'm on defense u assume and expect me to be sucked right back in when u come for me but i love my heart, and i protect it.
well, all is said and done now. just needed to let it out.
a month left of spring semester. need to snap into it and get my shit together.
